Happy Customer

After seeing the ads for years and doing some online research, I decided to make the big jump. It was time for a new thumb. My previous thumb was becoming a little embarrassing, you know, with all the new thumbs out there and all. The nail on the old one came out a little crooked, and looked a little stained. Thumb Joint 1 (TJ1) creaked just a tiny bit in the mornings and TJ2 has never quite performed as well as the slick, flexible ones that some friends have. Plus, it was just getting kind of boring. The general look was outdated, and some of the freckles had lost their crisp lines; they barely looked like smudges anymore. I had never gotten a new one. I’d waited 26 years, I deserve this.

I decided on a ThumJam 5S. It’s the newest, fastest, smoothest thumb out there, and I haven’t regretted my choice for one second. The reviews say that its TJ1 flex time is 5 milliseconds faster than Original Thumbs, and TJ2 range of motion up to 1.5 degrees greater than the first several versions. I really think that I can almost feel the difference. Though, I think my favorite feature is the color-selectable nail. By pressing a hidden button at the base of the cuticle, you can cycle through 8 colors in 15 shades. I know that you can paint older models, but this is so much more convenient. I don’t know how I lived without this feature before. There’s no going back now! Another huge benefit is that ThumJam manufactures all of their products in an eco-friendly factory in Ethiopia (strictly self-monitored by ThumJam’s internal human rights team in order to avoid any possible abuses of their most valuable asset, their employees). All of their thumbs are manufactured from 100% natural, organic sources: all certified not to be stolen from the illicit Blood Thumb Black Market.

I know that some people would propose that Original Thumbs are completely sufficient, and there’s no need for replacement. However I think that my modern audience would agree that these Luddite arguments hold no water in today’s high-tech world. With personal efficiency increasing daily, those without Updated Thumbs will surely be left by the wayside as the rest of us gain valuable seconds of productivity with our super-capable appendices. I truly hope that these misinformed naysayers understand the seriousness of their decisions. These archaic opinions put themselves and their families at the risk of social ostracism and even financial ruin as they fail to keep up with the pace of progress.

Surely there were other ways to spend the money, but since the actual procedure was at 50% off for this month, it seemed like it was the right time. Besides, it seems to me that most major world issues are under control. Poverty is surely almost gone, I know that personally I never see any signs of it. I drive nearly 40 miles on that new interstate to get to work and see only nice cars. As humanity, I think we’ve moved beyond issues of suffering onto issues of progress. If we don’t focus on efficiency and innovation, we’ll surely become stagnant. I have my new thumb installed, integrated, and functioning for less than $4500, and with the basic maintenance plan, I’m only paying $110 monthly. Even if societal issues still existed, surely that amount wouldn’t make a difference. This was not just a purchase. It was an investment. Essential to progress, for the good of society.

So, here I am, another happy customer.


  1. As I read this.... every time I think I understand the real message, it slips away.

    As we talking about a machete injury here? Did I miss a post?

    Was this post written under the influence of something ... uh.... interesting?

    1. While this post was indeed inspired by a machete wound, it's more of a thought on consumerism than anything else.

  2. I'm thinking along the lines of, "when nothing is sacred, all is consumed." Just more efficiently.

  3. Two thumbs up to this...we are with you all the way on this subject :)